Don't Call Us, We'll Call You
by Vana Jedi
Summary: Fury forces the Avengers to hold job interviews for a new position. There are OCs, of course, but don't worry as none of them really have an important role other than humor. None of them are intended to be best friends of the Avengers, Mary Sues, or Gary Stus unless in parody.
1. Introduction

_Don't Call Us, We'll Call You_

_In which the Avengers decide to hold interviews for another member of the team._

**A/N: For those of you who are uncertain, torrone is this Italian honey nougat with nuts. It's delicious, though not as good as chocolate covered caramels with sea salt. In my opinion.**

**Also, there are OCs, but none of them will end up being the best friend/love interest of the Avengers, and their role will be purely for humor.**

* * *

"Fury's being ridiculous." Tony stalked around the kitchen of Stark Tower. "Six is a magic number. We're not bringing a seventh Avenger in."

Steve decided to repress his comment about how seven was actually supposed to be luckier than six. "With any luck, there won't be anyone good enough."

"Look out there!" Natasha said, amazed, peering from the window. There was a plethora of people, ranging from young girls to old men to everything in between. There was a girl who's hair was dyed in rainbow colours and a man wearing a Stormtrooper costume. "Does _everyone_ know we're holding interviews today?"

Thor held up a newspaper with a headline proclaiming, "**Avengers to hold interviews for superhero position"**. "Yes."

Bruce read the headline, then slumped down on his chair, defeated.

"Hey, you okay?" Tony patted his friend's shoulder.

"I'm feeling angry," said a muffled noise coming from where Bruce's head was tucked into his arm. Tony looked concerned.

"We'd better bring all these hopefuls in," sighed Clint. "Only we better get someone to take notes."

"JARVIS can—"

"Sir, I am not equipped with a note-taking function, seeing as I have neither hands nor opposable thumbs. Or, for that matter, any thumbs whatsoever."

Tony stuck his head out the window. "Hey! Need an important job done!" A lot of people raised their hands, so Tony selected the person to be hired by pointing a laser pointer at them. The person who fell back clutching their eyes was a young woman with curly dark hair. "You! With the glasses! Kinda chunky! T-shirt with a platypus on it! Yeah, you!"

The woman came up to the doors and was allowed in. Clint shot anyone who tried to sneak in after her with tranquilizing darts.

"Hello." She extended a hand. "My name's Ann Salt and I—"

"Don't matter." Tony tossed a pen to her. "You're the scribe for the interviews. Well, you're my scribe. Everyone else pick a scribe or do it yourself."

Everyone else opted to do it themselves, rolling their eyes. Only Tony would be so lazy as to get a scribe.

"What about pay?" Ann Salt asked, sounding somewhat confused as to everything going on.

"What's your favorite candy?" Tony shot back quickly.

"Torrone."

"Two truckfuls. And I'm only paying you cause it's around Christmas time and I'm nice like that."

Ann nodded and took a pad of paper offered to her.

In the first two hours they eliminated three people. One was a religious fanatic who was eliminated by mob rule as many people felt that she unfairly represented their religion and did not want to be remembered by her ideals. The other was a man who could turn invisible only when no one was looking. The last one was a little kid who burst into tears after one minute. Tony gave him an autograph, a piece of Ann's torrone, and a mini bow and arrows set. "Christmas," he explained.

Those who were going to have another interview was a man with a Packers T-shirt who posessed super-strength and a girl who was obsessed with Lord of the Rings. She didn't appear to actually be able to do anything, but claimed that she could talk to Frodo, Aragorn, and Legolas in her head. She managed to get into the next interview for no reason other than Tony thought that she might actually be able to do it.

"How'd it go?" asked Clint.

Natasha groaned. "I had to pull the religious woman and Aragorn there away from each other. Apparently Lord of the Rings promotes satanism or something. Girl there started crying, apparently the Frodo in her head heard that and had his feelings hurt or something."

Steve groaned. "Just what we need. A schizophrenic fangirl. Tony, no matter how much you like that book series…"

"Tony?" Clint glanced at him, where Tony was having an in-depth conversation with Legolas through the schizophrenic fangirl. "I pray that the Lord of the Rings girl gets kicked out. We won't be able to handle her and Tony."

"Let's send away anyone who looks a bit too, um, fangirly," decided Steve. Thor went outside and was informed to chase away the Stormtrooper.

The man wearing the costume sighed. Maybe they already had someone with shapeshifting powers, flight, super strength, and X-ray vision. He wouldn't be surprised if they did. He walked away mournfully.

The interview schedule was set up like this. Each day, they planned to interview a large number of people. Of those, several of them would be reconsidered and the rest sent away. At the end of the day, all of the Avengers would interview the few people who had made it through the first cut and select one. At the end of a week, those seven people would be all interviewed again and one would be picked.

"Come on, Ann," Tony called. "Your hand okay yet?"

Ann glanced at him from where she was soaking her hand in warm water with epsom salts, wincing. "The cramps have mostly gone. I think I can write again."

"Good. Try not to light the page on fire from friction this time."

"I'll try." Ann ate a piece of torrone.

* * *

One week later, the Avengers had their seven people.

There was the Packers fan, "Aragorn" (as the Lord of the Rings girl was called), a teenage girl with rainbow eyes who could do practically everything, someone named Bruce who had money and fighting skills, a teenage boy who swore that he had to keep his identity a secret but he'd actually show them what he could do later and he was part spider, a cat that communicated to Steve telepathically, and someone very surprising.

"Hello, Avengers," the someone-very-surprising had said, walking into the base. "So you want a new member for your team? I don't suppose you'll be very willing to accept me, but Thor decided that this was a good idea, so here I am."

Ann leaped from her seat and screamed. "It's him! That's that guy that—" she stumbled over the number of "that's" included in her sentence and was silent. The Avengers stared, shocked.

"Or, perhaps you would prefer me to introduce myself as this." The voice took on a more menacing tone. "I am Loki. Of Asgard…and I am burdened with glorious purpose."

* * *

**A/N: Don't worry about Ann. She's not gonna do anything. She is as minor a character as I can make her, and she won't end up getting hired.**

**So, that was my first attempt at a cliffhanger/story hook. How was it? Shall I continue this story?**

**Oh, and don't worry about "Aragorn" either. The Lord of the Rings references shall be minimal.**

**If anyone wants to PM me about who they want to win this, or if they want no one to win this, then please feel free to do so! Please don't leave it in a review, though, and you certainly don't have to do it. **

**Well, review then, I guess!**


	2. Brian Kopps

**First of all, thank you everyone who favorited, followed, and especially to those who reviewed.**

**For favoriting and following, thank you Sharpshooter7, CrystalShardsOfRain, AaylaKitofNiflheim, Kaylabeth21, and battleofwits.**

**Nat-CatWoman—I think almost everyone in the Avengers fandom is Loki fangirls. It's almost impossible not to be. And thank you for your review and compliment on my vocabulary. **

**CrystalShardsOfRain—MAJOR THANKS goes out to you for reviewing ****_and_**** following. This is an exemplary reviewer, people. And thank you very much; I try to make it funny. Actually, I try a little too hard to make it funny, and it shows.**

**AaylaKitofNiflheim—This is the only story title I have that wasn't just me going, "Oh, I have to have a title on it somewhere."**

**I'm sorry guys, but the OCs do have a couple paragraphs without the Avengers there. Sorry. I had to introduce them, you know. And Loki introduces them for me near the end. I think this story is going downhill, but I've only got six more chapters plus a conclusion, so I guess I'll just forge ahead. It's fun to write, anyway. Please tell me your opinions on it.**

**Now, on to the story! Feel free to review!**

"So, what are all of your names?" the rainbow-haired girl asked her fellow competitors. I know I said she had rainbow eyes. Well, she has rainbow hair now too. This gave her an apperance that made many of the other people in the room turn away slightly to preserve their eyes, rendering them unable to respond.

"Brian," said the Packers fan happily. He was colour-blind, and found her hair and eyes unremarkable.

_I do not have a name, _the telepathic cat informed them. It was also colour-blind, and like Brian found her hair and eyes to be normal.

The girl squealed. "I'm Maria! And if you don't have a name, you shall be Mittens!" She grabbed the cat's one white paw and waved it.

The cat bristled and spat at her. All present winced, clutching their heads as the wrath of the feline pounded through. _I am an eldritch beast, dating from the dawn of time! I carry a soul of the dead within me that grants me the power of telepathy! I will NOT be addressed as 'Mittens'! _It considered, licking a paw. _If you wish something to call me, seek a less patronizing name._

"Ruth," said the Lord of the Rings girl, eyes wide. "Elvish for 'anger'."

_I do not know what Elvish is._

"Just—Ruth is a good name, okay? Are you female?"

The cat swatted the hand of someone attempting to find this out. _Yes._

"See, perfect name." The girl looked around. "I'm Luthien. Well, I suppose I'm originally Kate, but I legally changed it."

"I can't say mine," said one man. "Protection and all that."

Brian frowned. "You do realize most of us are _pretending_ to be superheroes?"

"Most of us," scoffed Maria. "_I_ actually have them. I'm also an amazing singer and—"

"Shut up," Brian said. "Just me, then?"

The teenage boy frowned. "You're Bruce, right? Bruce Wayne?"

He was rewarded with a glare, and shrugged. "Okay, okay. I'm Peter Parker."

"Who's the other guy that got through?"

_ I believe our last opponent is called Loki, though at the moment the Avengers have decided that the best place for him is in a cell._

"Frodo doesn't like Loki," Luthien said, looking sympathetic. "Neither does Aragorn."

"That's great," Peter muttered. "Really great for Frodo."

_Well, then, _Ruth said, _hello Maria, Luthien, Bruce, Peter, and Brian. May the best of us win._

* * *

Tony slammed his hand on a piece of paperwork that Ann handed to him. "You've had everyone fill out the forms?"

"Yes, sir!" Ann announced cheerily, unwrapping a piece of torrone. "Only having the cat sign was a bit difficult. We ended up with a paw print in ink. It made a bit of a mess, and I don't know if SHIELD'll accept the 'signature'. Thank you, Captain." She took a wipe from Steve and cleared some ink from her hand.

"The girl with voices in her head attempted to sign for the voices as well," Thor boomed, coming into the room. "And Loki would not sign his correct last name."

Steve picked up the forms, examining Loki's. _Loki Laufeyson_ was emblazoned in sharp italics. "Sorry, Thor."

Clint groaned and spun around in an office chair. "We're getting nowhere. Let's call the first interview, that way we can eliminate one person at least."

"Who should—"

"The guy that's least likely to win it," Natasha said. "Brian Kopps. We can narrow the field down to six almost immediately."

"Sounds good to me," Tony said. "Honestly, I just want this whole mess to be over with. I'd be cool with hiring the cat, though. The cat doesn't say much. I'd be good with a cat for the seventh member. It doesn't even need to be a telepathic cat like the one we've got here. Just _a_ cat would be good, whether or not it can do anything. Cats are cool. Everyone here loves cats, right?"

"Ann, call in Brian," Steve informed her.

Ann looked around for a bit to find an intercom.

"JARVIS, call in Brian," Tony said, bored. "Sorry there. We don't actually have an intercom, JARVIS does stuff."

"Right away, sir. Shall I turn myself off after that? I seem to not be of use."

"Aww, you're okay!" Tony cried, looking distraught. "You just can't write stuff, and we need that done. Ann's not gonna replace you, even if she needs much less maintenance. Anyway, it's physically impossible for you to turn yourself off."

"I believe I am trying to awaken the emotion of guilt."

"Oh. That your way of doing Bambi eyes?"

"Yes, sir."

"Just call the guy in. Ann, here's a new pen. You'll have a couple minutes to get ready, so prepare the epsom salt solution for when we're finished with this interview."

The Avengers filed into the conference room, arguing over who would conduct the interview until it was finally agreed that they would all just take turns asking questions.

"'Kay. Here's the contract you signed. You say you've got super strength 'n stuff. Now, I for one don't believe you—"

"Tony!" Steve reprimanded.

"I don't believe him, what's so wrong about not believing someone? Anyway. Couple questions first. Do you have a secret identity?"

"Uh." Brian glanced around the room. He couldn't think of one that didn't sound stupid. "Uh—no."

Natasha waited to see if Tony was going to ask a question, but seeing as he was busy arguing with Ann over whether or not she had to write down the 'uh's, she decided to speak. "Loki nearly destroyed all of New York. Where were you then?"

Now _here_ was a question that he'd thought up an answer to! "Wisconsin."

"Doing anything important in Wisconsin—" prompted Clint.

An important family reunion that he had to attend or be murdered by his mother? "Defending it."

All of the Avengers tried very hard not to laugh. Bruce held himself together long enough to ask, "From what?"

The wrath of the in-laws because he broke their TV. No, that wouldn't work.

"What's in Wisconsin that needs defending?" Tony said absent-mindedly. "It's just a ton of silos. There's like, one building. You knock that down and there's not much else there. Maybe cows. I need to look up the ratio for cows to people in Wisconsin. JARVIS, what's the ratio for—"

Brian panicked. "Cows."

"Defending Wisconsin from cows," Natasha said flatly.

"No! No, defending cows. That are in Wisconsin, I mean. Defending the cows that are in Wisconsin from, uh, Red Skull." Brian picked a villain name.

At this Steve nearly lost it. In fact, all Avengers did, leaving poor Brian feeling very uncomfortable. Ah well, at least he got to talk to these superheroes. Even if they now all thought he was stupid.

Ann, perhaps the least-qualified person to handle a team of superheroes expiring from laughter, managed to say, "Sir, I think you should leave now." _Didn't Tony Stark have a girlfriend that was supposed to do the babysitting duty? I thought I was going to write and eat torrone, not do the babysitting stuff._

Brian nodded and left to go collect his things and say farewell to the other hopefuls.

* * *

_It went terribly_, Ruth thought at him.

"How'd you know, you weren't there," Brian grumbled, grabbing his bag.

_But you were there._

"So?"

_I looked inside your head._

"You can _do_ that? Agh! Go away!" Brian swatted the cat, who leaped off the chair she was sitting on and went off to go and sit on Thor's head, where she was most unwelcome.

The Avengers, still laughing a little at poor Brian, strode off to talk to Loki and let Loki out of a cell, where he would join the rest of the group waiting for their interviews.

"Mortals," Loki greeted them.

Maria leaped to her feet and kissed Loki soundly on the cheek, babbling about true love, someone called Romeo and someone else called Juliet, how they were meant to be together, and many other items all within the span of thirty seconds, leaving Loki quite confused.

"_Off_, mortal." Loki pushed at her flailing arms. Peter jumped up and helped pry the teenager off. "Thank you."

"You're the guy that tried to kill New York?" Bruce W. (as he had asked to be called, to differ himself from Bruce Banner) asked.

"Why, yes," Loki replied. "I am he."

"Aren't you the sort of people the Avengers fight against?"

Loki laughed. "Oh, I'm much better now. See, they even trust me around civilians, such as yourselves. In past days I would have torn your larynx out before you even greeted me."

He chuckled again as almost everyone's hands rose to their throats. "Don't worry. As to my motives, this wasn't even my idea. My _dear father_," Loki's lip curled, "decided that this would be a _marvelous_ idea. So, here I am. And now, your names? I believe I already know most of them. Allow me to guess. The cat I saw on my 'brother''s shoulder is Quen'txa, an ancient being who is now trapped in the form and personality of a cat called Ruth." Loki's expression changed, and he appeared more wistful. "Lovely girl, Quen'txa. Shame about her lack of talent in shape-shifting, though. It appears to have been her downfall. Anyway!" He shook his head and pointed to Bruce W.

"_You_, my friend, are Bruce Wayne, a man who flies around the streets of a city in the shape of a bat at night. Rather pathetic, really. You devote all your time to defending one city. Who inspired you to sign up for the Avengers? Really, you seem to be more of the freelance type.

"And you are young Peter Parker. Weren't you bitten by a spider? The Avengers is relying on teenagers now?" Loki tutted. "I'm ashamed of them, really. No, don't speak! You were about to argue with me there. We can't have that.

"Maria Susana—I honestly don't know much about you. To be frank I'm glad that I don't. You're not really an inspiring person. You seem like a lot of my fans." Loki turned to the rest of them. "I tried to take over your world, and you treat me like a prince. You mortals are so foolishly generous.

"Kate, isn't it? Or shall I call you Luthien?" Loki peered at her. "Hello, Aragorn and Frodo. Do they recognize me?"

Luthien yelped. "They most certainly do!"

"Mmm. Tell little Frodo that if he's going to have a ring of power around, he should do a better job hiding it. People such as myself have a talent of noticing such items. And then attempting to, ah, destroy his entire world trying to get it. No hard feelings I hope.

"Oh, but where's the first contestant in this game to join the team? Already gone? Packed his bags and went home? Can't blame him, really. It doesn't do well to lie to the Avengers about whether you've got powers or not."

Loki sighed and leaned back in an armchair as the Avengers and Ann entered. "Hmm, I'm all tired now, I've been talking too much. I need a drink. Hot chocolate for me, Ann. With cinnamon. And do note that the last person who attempted putting Tabasco sauce in any of my drinks ended up minus a tongue."

Tony, who had just been palming Ann a small bottle of aforementioned Tabasco, straightened up with an air of innocence. "Go on, get him a drink."

Ann blinked. "But—"

"Go on. I owe him one. Ha, god of mischief drinking hot chocolate. I'll need a photo of that. No scaring the new recruits, Prongs."

"I was just checking who they are." Loki stared up at Tony.

"Brother!" Thor cheered, coming into the room then and embracing Loki. Ruth meowed and jumped onto Loki's head, chewing his hair.

_Loki! It is good to see you._

"You too, Quen'txa."

_Hmmm? Oh yes. _Ruth padded around on Loki's head a bit before slipping onto his shoulder. _I'm a cat now._

"I see."

_As such, I find that I have more of the personality of a cat. Excuse me if I eat your hair and get sick later, it's what this species does. It's quite a liberating form of life. _

Loki grimaced. "Once a proud warrior queen. Ha! This mortal form ruined her. Ah, thank you." He plucked the mug of chocolate from Ann's hands. "I would make you take a test drink, but I think that your instinct of self-preservation overrides your maliciousness. Am I correct?"

Ann nodded mutely, terrified.

"Excellent. Get _off_ me, _brother_." Thor, feeling forgotten about, had attempted to embrace Loki again. "Quen'txa, please swat him for me."

The cat reached out a lazy paw, purring.

"Claws out, dear. We're trying to hurt him."

Ruth managed an idle swat that did not even hurt, feeling like more of a caress to Thor. Loki sighed.

Steve coughed. "Loki, I think it'd be best if you went back to your cell. The other recruits, well, they're not doing so well with you being here."

Loki looked at the petrified recruits, most of whom were hugging each other. The exception was Maria, who was reaching out, attempting to hug him. "Very well. Clinton may escort me."

Clint jumped backwards. "If anyone leaves me alone with him I'll—"

"I will." Loki didn't like the look in Natasha's eyes when she said that. "But can we put his interview off a couple days? I don't think he'll be doing much talking when I'm through with him."

"Quen'txa, Quen'txa, _help_, Thor—Thor, she'll kill—" Loki was dragged away. Thor looked worried, and Steve put a hand on his shoulder.

"She won't actually hurt him, Thor."

"I am still worried."

Tony shooed the new recruits off, making Ann escort them to separate rooms. "_I'm_ worried. We're all worried. But this might turn out to be kind of okay, right? We could get someone who's really what this team needs."

"Convince yourself before me, Stark," Clint said.

Tony swore.

* * *

**Not my best ending ever—not a good ending at all, in fact. **

**Please tell me if there's anything I could do better. This story isn't really convincing me, and it'd be nice if I knew there were people out there who thought differently.**

**Have a happy New Year, all of you! 'Tis the season for giving, even though Christmas is over, so a nice review (giftwrapped in a story alert) would be a wonderful late present!**


	3. Bruce Wayne

**Hello!**

**turtlesarenotsoup—oh, um, thank you! I can honestly say no one has ****_ever_**** said that about my writing before, and I feel more flattered than I honestly should. J**

**CrystalShardsOfRain—thank you, too! I'm happy when I make people laugh. So laugh. I order you to, mortals.**

**AMR (Guest)—excellent, two reviews from you! I am most honoured. Thank you, stranger!**

**And now, I shall move on to the story.**

"Who's turn is it now?" Bruce Wayne asked, leaning against a leather chair. Ann was wandering around delivering drinks to everyone while eating torrone.

"I think it's yours," Ann replied, nimbly dodging Luthien, who was sprinting across the room. She leaped out of the way of Loki, who was chasing her.

"_Tell that stupid stuck-up elf that—"_

_"_Leave them alone!"

Bruce watched the pair with mild interest. "You think she can actually talk to fictional characters?"

"Well," Ann said, "there's a telepathic cat, a teenager who can do everything, a teenager with the powers of a spider, a demonic Norse god, and Gotham City's reclusive billionaire in the same room. I suppose she _could_—or, at least, she and Loki believe that she can."

"_I will kill Samwise Gamgee!"_

_"YOU WOULDN'T!"_

Peter stared at them. "I have no idea what they're saying."

"I do!" Tony walked into the room just as Loki was shrieking, "And tell Sauron he signed a contract! He can't desert me now!"

Steve followed him. "You're never going to let that _one time_ I understood a Wizard of Oz reference go—"

"I understood that reference," Tony said smugly. "You should too. Lord of the Rings was around your time, wasn't it?"

"Yes. But I didn't really read it."

"Clint'd like it. There's an archer. We should have a movie night where we watch it—"

JARVIS interrupted them. "Mr. Stark, may I remind you that any movies rated higher than PG are unable to be shown in the company of the Avengers."

"Come off it, JARVIS, it's only PG-13. We're all adults here, and it's only rated that high for violence—"

"Mr. Stark, even if I thought it likely that you could handle a movie rated higher than PG, which I do not, I request permission to inform you of the _Brave_ incident."

"Poor guy was feeling competitive—"

"There is 'competitive', and there is destroying Stark Tower with arrows."

"Fair point." Tony dodged one of Luthien's waving arms. "Loki, leave her alone!"

The god sighed and stood still. "I do not take orders from you, Stark. And—"

Tony grabbed Loki's shoulders and pushed him down on a couch. "Loki, listen to me."

Loki nodded. "I'm listening."

"Lord of the Rings…is fictional. 'Kay?" Tony watched Loki's face to see if it registered this statement. It seemed to. "Good."

"Friend Stark?" asked Thor, entering the room holding a mug of coffee. Ann ran to him and replaced the mug with a styrofoam cup filled with the same substance. Thor had learned not to smash things quite a long time ago, but Tony had told her that one never knows.

"Don't you dare tell me that Lord of the Rings _is_ real and I didn't know it."

"No," Thor said. "Nothing like that. Although it _may_ be. The Allfather would know. I do not. But I came to say that it is time for the interview. Friend Natasha has prepared everything for it."

"Cool." Tony surveyed the room. "Everyone shut up!"

They did so.

"Great. Roll call."

"Loki of Asgard is here," Loki said.

Steve checked a name off. "Ruth?"

Peter held her up. The cat meowed, trying to go back to sleep.

"Okay. Peter, I see you—Luthien's here, she was being chased by Loki—Maria?" Steve winced and covered his eyes as a hand bedecked with a sparkly glove flew into the air and waved wildly. "She's here…Bruce? Not Bruce Banner, but—you know which one I mean."

"Here."

"That's everyone, then."

Bruce was ushered into a large interview room. He noticed Ruth padding in after him, but ignored her.

"So, you got an alterego?" Tony asked. "Like, Iron Man, Black Widow—don't suppose you'd call yourself Black Widow, though—"

"It must be kept secret," Bruce said, glaring at Tony.

"You have to tell us," Clint said. "Else we can't let you in."

Bruce sighed. "Batman."

"What the heck kinda name is _that_?" Tony howled with laughter. "We're just picking weird names now? Ooh! I call Robot-Man! That's my new name! Thor is Lightning-Man!"

No one found this funny but Tony.

"Any superpowers?" asked Natasha, feeling sorry for him.

"I've been trained in the martial arts."

"Where?" asked Thor, head to the side. He was certain that he wouldn't understand whatever strange country name the man said, but knowing where someone was trained seemed to be important here.

"A mountain," Bruce said evasively, not wanting to answer the question.

"A mountain," scoffed Tony. "Lack of oxygen get to you?"

Natasha glared at him. "What is _with_ you, Tony? This is _completely_ out of character for you! What _reason_ do you have-"

"Oh, I've got a reason," Tony said darkly. Natasha ignored him and turned back to Bruce.

"Do you really want to join the team? I can't think of any objections anyone could have." She glared at Tony.

The other members of the team nodded their assent, agreeing that they did indeed want Bruce to join and thought that Tony was behaving oddly.

Bruce opened his mouth to speak.

_You're secretly in love with Tony, aren't you?_

"No!"

"No?" Thor asked.

"No, I meant—the cat—she—" Bruce motioned to Ruth, who was pretending to be asleep.

"That's settled then!" Tony stood up. "Don't let the door hit your tail on the way out! Bye! See you!"

"_No, Tony—_" Bruce heard Clint yell as the billionaire shoved him out the door of the conference room and tossed Ann a taser.

"Ann, get him out! Tase him if you have to."

And Bruce was ushered away, thinking about how much he hated cats.

"_What was that for?_" Steve demanded.

"Thank God he's gone!" Tony let out a sigh of relief. "He had more money than me."

Everyone stared at him, aghast.

"You. Didn't. Want," Clint began.

"Him. In. The. Avengers," Natasha continued.

"Because. He. Had. More."

"Money. Than. You."

Tony looked at them. "Well, _yeah_. Imagine how embarrassing _that_ would be. We'd all have to relocate to Gotham. And what's with the weird twin talking thing you guys are doing? It's freaking me out."

"Stark, you are such a—" Natasha couldn't find a word strong enough.

"Tony, I don't think that was a good idea," Bruce said softly.

"_And_ we've already got a Bruce. That other one can just go and protect his tiny insignificant city from clowns. We have _higher_ goals."

"We flew out to Illinois to defend it once."

"Chicago? You would have _Chicago _destroyed?"

"After that," Steve said, "we fought against a last remnant of Chitauri whom were pillaging Arkansas."

Tony folded his arms. "My aunt was from Arkansas. It's important."

"Tony, it's the one state where everyone forgets it even _exists_."

Bruce sighed. "Let's everyone settle down. For better or for worse, the other Bruce is gone. Now, Ann, why don't you take Loki a cup of chai tea? I can hear him yelling at the Lord of the Rings girl."

"Luthien," Tony said promptly. "Named after Luthien Tinuviel, an elf maiden who fell in love with a mortal, Beren. They—"

"_Stark. _Stop nerding out around me," Clint said. "It scares me."

Tony pouted. "You'd like Lord of the Rings, though. It's got an archer. I should show you the movies. Course, JARVIS informed me that under the Excitability clause in the _Brave_ amendment of the Constitution of Avengers Tower, it was technically not allowed to be shown. It's also forbidden under the _Star Wars_ amendment because of violence and sword-fighty stuff."

"You have our Constitution memorized?" Thor asked. "I believed that document was only a fiction."

"Nope. It's true. Pepper wrote it all down and forced me to memorize it."

Natasha ran a hand down the side of her face. "Let's get to bed now, okay?"

The Avengers nodded, and, each shooting a glare at Tony, went to their rooms. Ann went to her guest room after calling a Stark Tower guard to put Loki in a different room than Luthien.

The Norse god stared at the ceiling. _Curse you, Odin_, he thought. _Well, this isn't going to make a difference in my personality. I swear it._

**Again, not my best ending. I'm failing at endings here, aren't I? Well, please write a little something in the box below!**


	4. Luthien

**Hi, I'm back! Hope you don't want to kill me too much for not updating. And I shall begin review responses.**

**inubaka88: Thank you very much! **

**CrystalShardsOfRain: Ha, the only person encouraging me to stop is myself. And my muse, who has fallen deeply in love with Professor Tolkien and refuses to write anything not related to him. But I think I've got the groove back and can continue with this story.**

**David Noklevername: You understood that! You understood that reference! Excellent, my plan succeeds! (No, I don't know 'what plan'. But it's a Plan, and it's Succeeding.)**

**StarSlingerSnitch: I PMed you, as I think writing out my PM here would take too long. Thanks for liking it! **

**As a reminder, the characters left are Ruth, Peter, Luthien, Loki, and Maria.**

* * *

"Who's getting interviewed today?" Tony chirped brightly.

The Avengers stared at him balefully, rubbing their eyes. Tony had switched everyone's coffee for decaf, and they were all the worse for it. Tony declared it wasn't him, and Thor believed him ("It must be Loki!"), but everyone else was skeptical.

"I think it's Luthien," Steve muttered, picking up a clipboard. The top part of it snapped shut on his thumb and he yelped.

Tony smirked. "What, they didn't have clipboards in the twentieth century?"

"Shut up, Stark. Yes, it's Luthien."

A thought struck Clint. "Stark, did you make sure we were all tired so when you attempted to get Luthien into the team, we wouldn't protest?"

"What? No! No, I don't even know her! Why on Earth would I ever want to do that?"

"Because she can apparently talk to Lord of the Rings characters."

Tony looked guilty. "Nooo…"

"If you know our Constitution," Natasha said, "tell me what Appendix F.57 says."

The Avengers waited patiently as Tony's brain spun away. They heard the noise of a dog barking somewhere up the street, the humming of a little fan inside a laptop, crickets chirping, the lasers that Tony had installed incinerating the crickets, and the crash of someone, somewhere, flinging a coffee cup against the wall because it had decaf.

"Sorry."

The Avengers nodded at Bruce to signify that they forgave him and that they would much rather the coffee cup than have the entire kitchen smashed because of the Hulk.

"Oh," Tony said eventually. "Was it…could it have been, 'Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night shall come between our team and the morning coffee'?"

There was a unanimous nod.

"Well, I'm _sorry_. It _wasn't_ me, anyway."

"Loki—" Thor began, and Steve frowned at him.

"Thor, there's no way that Loki could've unlocked the door to his cell and got up here and switched the coffee. He doesn't even know where the decaf is, right? Has he ever _had_ coffee before?"

Thor thought. "I did tell him there was a magical elixer that stayed tiredness and kept weary eyes open."

"Let's go," Clint said. "Let's get them up. If we're not allowed to have sleep or coffee, then they won't have any either."

The team nodded, pleased at the thought of Avenging their lost coffee, and set off to wake everyone up.

* * *

"Did you manage it?" Loki whispered to Ruth.

_It was difficult without opposable thumbs, but Stark helped_. The cat licked her paw and pushed her ear down.

"Stark helped?"

_Apparently he was as eager to see his team all bleary-eyed as we were. This will_ _be amusing._

"Good." Loki sat up and hurled an innocent table lamp across the room at Maria, who was beginning the morning by singing scales and arpeggios.

The 'hopefuls', as Tony called them, had been roused and were waiting their judgement in a living area. Peter was watching TV, and Luthien was sitting down and talking to herself. Or, if you believed in her power, she was talking to Legolas.

Loki stood up, noticing Luthien, and stalked over to her and started yelling at her. Everyone turned and watched as Loki shrieked insults at a certain hobbit that may or may not have been communicating telepathically with Luthien.

"Should we help her?" Peter asked Maria.

Maria's mouth opened in an O of surprise. "Of course! We must always be brave, and noble, and caring, and—"

"Never mind, actually."

"And helpful, and generous, and—"

"You—" Peter stared hard at her. "You can stop now, you know."

"Modest, and courageous—oh, okay." Maria began to sing her scales again.

Loki gave a huff of disgust and stalked back to Ruth. "That woman sounds like a cat." In truth this was inaccurate, but since Maria was so sickeningly perfect it was nice to pretend that she wasn't.

He realized whom he was speaking to. "Ah, with no offense to cats I may add," he offered. This seemed to appease Ruth, as she sheathed her claws and took her paw off of his face.

"Okay, everyone _shut up!_" Tony howled, his voice grating perfectly on the irritable ears of those without coffee. "Luthien, your turn."

Loki jumped up. "_Tell that stupid fat hobbit that I will kill him in his sleep!" _he shouted, then sat down again when Steve glared at him. "Sorry. Do carry on."

"Frodo doesn't like you," Luthien muttered to Loki, rather obviously.

"That's alright, I don't like Frodo," Loki replied easily. "Well, go on. The Avengers await, and we _mustn't_ keep Avengers waiting."

"Less of the attitude," Tony said. "I'm watching you, Lokes."

Loki spluttered at the nickname and did not manage a coherent sentence. The spluttering grew louder as Thor hugged him before leaving.

* * *

The Avengers plus Luthien entered the conference room, where Ann was waiting with all of the documentation ready.

Tony whacked her on the back of the head. "Wake up!"

"Huh? Sorry…Mr. Stark…I'm just…" Ann yawned. "Tired. Cat kept me up. Was howling. No coffee."

"Well, suck it up," Tony said brightly. "Eat a piece of torrone."

Ann obeyed and was able to stay coherent throughout the interview.

"You say you can harness the fighting abilities of Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo from the book _The Lord of the Rings_," Natasha began. "You also say you can speak with them."

"Uh-huh."

"Would you mind demonstrating this?"

Luthien nodded, then started to talk very quickly. "_Mae govannen_ Legolas you're so pretty I know I am I never said that stop putting words into my mouth stop talking to us Loki keeps yelling at me and I can't say anything back because you keep trying to speak for me it's okay Frodo no one's going to try to kill you everyone's trying to kill me were you asleep the past few days why did you tell them your name was Luthien it's really not that's insulting stop flirting with me I'm a thousand years old it's getting very scary everyone stop talking at once I can't figure out who's who this is Frodo Aragorn's here no you're talking at once again stop it stop it _stop it_!"

Luthien sucked in a breath and fainted.

Ann gasped and fell over, clutching her throbbing hand.

"Still think it's a good idea?" asked Clint, looking at Tony.

"_Namarie_," mumbled Luthien from the floor. "_Aiya earendil elenion ancalima_."

"Is she still asleep?" Thor asked, rising to check on her. "Yes, she is. Perhaps we should take her home. Her age cannot be such that she has left her parents."

"Yeah…" Tony said, frowning. "That sucks. I sorta wanted to talk to _The Lord of the Rings_ characters." His eyes widened. "Wait! So it _exists_! They were all talking at once, it _has _ to exist, we're watching that movie as soon as possible!" Tony leaped up and ran off to find the movie.

Bruce sighed, steeling himself for another fantasy movie marathon. He headed over to Luthien. "Miss Luthien?"

Luthien groaned, eyes opening. "Ugh. Yes?"

"I'll drive you home," Natasha offered.

"I didn't get in?"

Natasha hesitated. "We'll talk about it on the way."

"Don't call us," Tony howled from the den where he was peering under the couch for the elusive Extended Editions of the movie, "we'll call you!"

* * *

**This is a better ending, I think! So now we only have four characters left to go. My my, doesn't time fly!**


	5. Maria Susanna

**Um. Hi guys?**

***waves***

**I'm still alive. I mean, I think I am.**

**I'm not going to bother with review responses from now on so sorry if you liked reading them. I just want to get this chapter out right now.**

**To recap: At the moment we have Peter Parker, Maria Susanna, Ruth, and Loki left.**

**When we left off, Luthien was being taken home and Tony was desperately trying to find the Lord of the Rings extended editions to force fantasy-movie viewing upon everyone.**

* * *

The morning saw the Avengers draped across various couches. It was about eight, and Tony had started the marathon at ten after finding the movies, which meant that the last movie was still playing and was at about the climax.

Steve stood up, rubbing his eyes, and turned the TV off as the inspirational music playing onscreen reached a new dimension in sound.

"I was watching that."

Steve quite nearly jumped out of his skin and spun around to see Loki perched on the arm of a chair.

"It was interesting," Loki continued. "Although it was getting grossly sentimental at that part."

Feeling uncomfortable under the scrutinous gaze of a Norse god who is not too happy that you have turned off a movie he was watching, Steve couldn't think of a good response. Asgardians (and, for that matter, Jotuns) are very good at staring people down. "It—it was?"

"Yes. I take it you were not interested?"

"Um—I sort of fell asleep halfway through." Steve rubbed at his eyes again. "Don't tell Tony. He gets touchy when you don't like movies that he does."

Thor had previously had a long session of 'Loki-Listen-To-This-Story-About-That-Time-When—', and so Loki was fairly up-to-date on the last time someone (Clint) had dared to make the controversial statement of "You know, I never actually liked The Lion King all that much…"

"Yes, Thor told me."

There was then silence, as Steve couldn't think of anything to say, and Loki waited impatiently for Steve to turn the movie back on.

Sadly, Loki never got to finish watching the movie, as around this point the other Avengers were waking up. Ruth had come in and was stepping on their faces.

"Uh," Tony grumbled, pulling the cat off of him and dropping her on Thor. "Okay. Everybody up? Great. Who are we interviewing today?"

"Maria," said a sleepy Natasha. She had arrived back at the Tower at approximately two in the morning after driving Luthien home. After having had to listen to Luthien natter on about Lord of the Rings, she had been less than thrilled to find said movies playing when she went up to see where the rest of the Avengers were. Too tired to argue, she had fallen asleep in one of the armchairs.

"The singing girl who's in love with Loki?" Bruce asked.

"Apparently she's pretty powerful," Clint said, shrugging. "And maybe we can get her to dye her hair a colour _other_ than rainbow."

"Rainbow is not a colour," Loki sniffed.

"You're not even _in_ this conversation."

The tense conversation was broken up by Ann skipping into the room eating more torrone and drinking coffee. "Is everyone up? We have to get to work!" She tapped a clipboard happily.

"Stop being happy," mumbled Natasha. "It's getting on my nerves."

Thor looked uncertain. "Perhaps we should let Natasha sleep?"

"Yes," Natasha said.

"Okay, sure," Tony agreed, and so the team (minus Natasha), went off to the interview room.

Natasha stayed asleep on the couch, catching up on sleep, until she was woken by Loki turning the TV back on.

* * *

The interview was not going well.

First of all, Natasha tended to be the organized one. Without her, there was a good ten minutes of various games that people play when they're not organized. These go by titles such as, "Where Is My Notebook", "Was This Piece Of Paper Important" and "I Think It's Under The Sofa, Go Look There". Maria waited patiently for these ten minutes, then proceeded to annoy everyone by going and fixing everything (i.e., finding Ann's notebook, taping together the destroyed yet important piece of paper from the notebook, and informing Tony that said notebook was not, in fact, under the sofa). The Avengers suspected that she had hid the notebook and torn up the important piece of paper just so that she could fix everything and they would be impressed.

"Okay." Ann flipped open the Important Notebook. "I'm ready."

Thor started the questions. "What are your powers?"

Maria Susanna thought. "Welll. I can shapeshift!" she announced brightly. "And fire nuclear missiles, and deactivate nuclear missiles (which would've been helpful when Loki attacked!) and I have magic and—"

"That's enough to go on, thanks," Tony interrupted for Ann's benefit, as the young woman had stopped taking notes and was waving her hand around ineffectually to try and get the cramps out of it. "So, you think you'd be pretty capable if the Chitauri attacked?"

"Oh, and I have an amazing singing voice, do re mi fa so la ti do, et cetera, my favorite song is 'My Heart Will Go On', my favorite movie is—"

Clint slammed his hand down on the table to get her to shut up.

"So," Tony repeated, incensed, "you _think _you could _help us_ if the _Chitauri _attacked _again_?"

"Why are you emphasizing every other word?" Maria wondered.

"_Because_," Tony emphasized, "you're not _listening_ to me."

Ann raised a hand. "Do I have to write in the italics?"

"Yes."

Ann sighed and turned her notebook sideways to try writing in a slant.

"I'm listening," Maria said. "I could defeat the Chitauri with both hands tied behind my back."

"Really?"

"Definitely."

Tony tilted his head. "Jarvis, do we still have some of the bodies of the Chitauri?"

"You kept Chitauri bodies!" Thor exclaimed, horrified.

"Don't panic, Thor. I was trying to see if I could reactivate them, cause they're mostly robots. They'd be pretty useful to have on our side."

"We have some," Jarvis confirmed.

Tony rubbed his hands. "Clint, go find me a rope. Let's meet up in the north gym."

* * *

The north gym had been selected for several reasons. First off, it had a balcony overlooking the gym. Secondly, it was almost destruction proof. And, most importantly, it was large.

"Why do you have a gym if all you do is fly around in a suit?" Peter wondered. He, Ruth, and Loki had been brought in to witness Maria's testing. "And are we all going to have to do this?"

"Nope," Tony said. "She just said she could do it, so we had to make sure."

Bruce tapped Tony on the shoulder. "I really don't think this is a good idea."

"They're totally nonlethal," Clint said. "They don't have the _capability _to be lethal—Stark took out their weapons. They've just got stun guns."

Steve sighed. "I'm with Bruce. I just don't think it's a good plan to send Chitauri against someone."

Natasha, recovered from her nap, came up to the balcony. "I tied her hands together and put the Chitauri on a timer. They'll activate in three…two…one…"

The Chitauri activated.

Despite knowing they were nonlethal, they were still rather impressive.

Maria was attempting to start a fire with her feet.

"You're positive they're nonlethal?"

"Positive."

Loki gave an inquiring glance at Ruth. "Is it on?"

Steve snapped his head around. "Is what on?"

_Yes it is, Loki_, Ruth clarified. _I stepped on the button and it flashed green. That's good, right?_

"That's good." Loki folded his hands together and peered down at the gym, suddenly very interested.

"Stark," Steve grabbed his arm. "You need to deactivate them _now_. Loki did something."

Tony looked at the Chitauri, then at Loki. "Jarvis, deactivate the—"

One of the Chitauri fired and Maria vanished.

* * *

"What have you _done_?" Tony shouted, grabbing Loki and slamming the god back against the wall.

"Nothing," Loki said, the picture of innocence.

_Quite a lot, _Ruth said. _We fixed a teleport device inside one of the Chitauri._

"Teleport. Okay," said Tony, trying to calm down. "So where is she?"

Loki shrugged. "How would I know? We didn't program in a destination."

"So she could be anywhere?" demanded Steve.

"Anywhere in the universe. Good riddance, I thought."

"What's the chance that she'll land on a habitable planet?" Natasha asked calmly, her eyes the only things betraying her horror.

Loki laughed. "I think, dear Natasha, you should be asking what the chances are that she'll even land _on_ a planet. Not a lot, really."

Thor grabbed Loki. "Friend Stark. Is there a place where he can be restrained?"

Tony flung a screen at Ann. "Draw up a map and show him."

Ann nodded and hurried off, leading Thor and Loki. Ruth padded along after her and jumped up into Loki's arms.

"I. Cannot. Believe. It." Steve breathed out and ran his hands down his face. "_Wonderful_. Someone's dead."

Clint frowned. "This is going to sound really callous, but I think the best thing we can do is just finish running the interviews and get it done with. Fury's going to get angry at us if we don't."

"Fury's going to get angry at us anyway, Clint," Tony pointed out.

"Yeah, but he'll get less angry."

Natasha sighed. "There's nothing we can do now. Let's notify Fury of what's happened."

The other Avengers agreed (despite some misgivings as to whether or not Fury would arrange to have them assassinated for this) and morosely went off to do just that.

* * *

Maria woke up with very little moaning and groaning, as should be expected from someone so sickeningly perfect. "Where am I?"

"Hi!" A young man waved at her. "Wow, you're lucky to be here. You forgot to set coordinates on your teleport. You could be anywhere."

Maria contemplated on her luck for approximately a nanosecond. "So where's here?"

The man waved his hand at a large room. "All of us arrived here through some accident. You're stuck here forever. But the fun part is, you get to influence Earth, or Midgard, or Gaia, or whatever you call it."

"How?"

"Well, you can sort of talk to people inside their heads."

Maria flicked her rainbow hair. "Like schizophrenia?"

The man glared at her. "Not at _all_ like schizophrenia. Or like _any _mental illness."

"I don't understand," Maria said after a while, regretting speaking the very words.

"Oh, like…" the man looked around, then saw a group of people in the corner. "That's Jenny, Matt, and Bartholomew." The three waved. "They're talking to this one girl and pretending they're characters from some fantasy series."

"It's called Lord of the Rings," Matt called over to them.

Maria sniffed. "I don't like messing with people."

"You don't get the point. It's not all pretending you're a book character. You could, um, maybe make a rainbow appear or whatever if you wanted to."

"So we're like angels?"

"_No, _we are _not_—oh, you're hopeless. Someone else take over." The man threw his hands up in the air and left.

"Wait!" Maria called.

"What?"

"We can really make rainbows?"

"Yeah, if you want."

Maria grinned. _This _was more like her kind of place…

* * *

**Yay, another chapter done! **

**Till next time!**

**Vana**


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